I’m so excited about today’s piece because it is about something I hold so dear to my heart: film restoration! 


Around this time last year, I flew to Denver to have surgery and I spent the next couple of months there to recover. I’m from that area, so I was very blessed to have my amazing family and friends step up and help me recover and take over doing so much, since I was severely limited in what I was allowed to do. 


When I was well enough though, my best friend, Yolanda, and I went to the Sie to see the first real public screening of The Jar, a film all but lost to time, and recently restored by Terror Vision. It’s also a film entirely shot in Denver! Not only that, but director Bruce Toscano discussed the making of this movie, and answered questions after the screening. I desperately wish I had had the foresight to take notes (which I usually do, by the way!) because I cannot remember a whole lot of what was said in detail. I was so deeply moved by their passion though. Not just of Toscano and his friends, but also of those at Terror Vision that saw the importance and significance of restoring this film. I was also heartbroken to hear that the post production experience cause Toscano to quit filmmaking, after completing his first film (he was emotional even talking about it). Most of this piece is going to be about the making of, or rather the “lore” and background of The Jar because it’s what makes this film so special. It’s a piece of film history!
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Some background:
The Jar was actually initially titled Charon (pronounced “car-own”) in reference to the ferryman in the River Styx in Greek Mythology. It’s obvious why the title was changed, but it wasn’t a choice by Bruce Toscano! Toscano also spent many months gathering film stock before pre-production of the movie even started, because it was so important to him for the film to have a rich color quality. Inspired by the color palette, and even the Goblin soundtrack for Suspiria, the film is rife with Argento references. 


The biggest setback, and arguably the reason for Toscano leaving the film industry after just one film, was in distribution. Not only was there no public screening of The Jar, but the home video transfer was atrocious. Instead of using industry standard pan and scan (VHS has a 4:3 aspect ratio, which means that in order to get the main subjects on screen, a transfer technician would need to pan to the action as they are scanning the transfer from widescreen film to VHS tape) they set the scan in the middle, which meant that large chunks of the movie has nothing on screen. This broke Toscano’s heart, as he felt that his work of art was destroyed and would never be seen as it should have. This poor transfer became a cult hit in its own right… in Italy! For some reason or another, the YouTube version of this went viral in Italy and maintained a huge fan base.
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All this changed when Terror Vision stepped in, and helped Toscano realize his vision. Miraculously, he has saved the original film copy, which gave us, in 2023, a rich, gorgeous color palette in 4K. 


So how is The Jar, as a film? It’s largely known as one of the worst horror movies ever made (personally for me that title belongs to Gingerdead Man but I digress). For me, The Jar  is one of those rare, truly experimental films. The dialogue, plot, and acting might be flat/non existent, but the risks and experiments that Toscano played in are genuinely visible to horror and film fans. You can see the love. You can see the playful approach to the whole project. No studio intervention. No slimy producer lurking in the shadows. I understand why studios make a lot of the decisions they do, and it’s mainly because they are playing for the masses, or the middle. There’s little room for pure experiment, pure creativity, and pure risk. The Jar does no such thing. It was a group of horror fans playing in the realm of horror film, and I loved it for what it was.
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A while ago, I wrote about how context can make or break the audience’s perception of a work of art. Today, I’d like to continue down that route but anchor it with my own personal work, and dealing with something that I know I’m not the only person struggling with: where the heck do I put my work as someone that makes art not so easily defined?

I tend to aggressively downplay my own work, and minimize it to a mere silly hobby. After all, my “day” job is pretty all consuming: I homeschool my high needs kid, which involves tons of planning, curriculum writing, OT, hands on activities, extracurriculars, etc on top of just regular mom stuff. Do not read what I’m not saying though: I love what I do. I find it very enriching, difficult, and fulfilling.

That being said, I’m not me when I’m not working on some sort of creative project. I may not be able to do anything full time now, but one day I could, so I might as well continue to build skills. For years I would just create things and sit on them. I would even just completely gaslight myself into thinking I should have more "acceptable" projects - like home improvement, domestic shit, etc. But lately, I’ve given myself permission to dream of a day where I can go back into academia; to get my Master’s degree.

So, I created this website. However, I’m no web designer, so it falls short for my standards (that I’ve made up in my head). Sometimes, I post things on Instagram. But even during the best of times, my work did not reach the right audiences. It still doesn’t. It mostly reaches my family and friends (Instagram used to be a SOCIAL network, after all!) and they are not the target audience for boudoir shoots, horror or experimental films, or even for musings about art. My resistance to turning myself into a brand for consumption means I don’t play nicely with the algorithm gods. I don’t have the time, mental bandwidth, skills, knowledge, or money to outsource cracking the code and getting myself on the map. I want to post content with songs I like, not whatever is trending. Not to mention, I get irritated knowing that in our current time, anything I post is going to make rich people richer, and teach AI how to make slightly better looking hands or something. Some may not care that companies are mining their data, but I do! 

Before I continue, I want to address the elephant in the room: yes, I am an old ass millennial. I know that that actually dictates my response towards the grander parts of life. I know that my take on social media is colored through my aging self. I know. I know I know I know. It doesn’t help that on top of all that I have a personality completely adverse to being told what to do. Just because everyone else is doing it, makes me actually a lot less likely I’ll do it. All of the artists I “grew up” with found their success off of social media, so they have this very cavalier attitude towards it. Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol said during one of his lives during the pandemic shut down that “he just couldn’t figure out” all the social media stuff. Same, Gary, same. But they got to this point with different rules. Where's the underground artist group where we gather for non studio screenings?

Most hilariously, my biggest fear is to go viral. I don’t actually crave this massive audience. I have both a desire and fear of being perceived, which I don’t think is something unique to me. I’m not shy I’m just- hey, why is everyone looking at me all at once?!

Last year was one of my hardest years on the books. Despite serious health problems (that I managed to mostly overcome!) I still managed to do a couple creative projects. I shot a short horror film and submitted it to a festival, and shot my first still photography session. Last year is also when I discovered I loved doing portrait style photography. I am still experimenting with how I want to incorporate my own distinct style into it, but I love doing it. I felt like someone gave me a new canvas to paint on. I repeated this experience again with my friend later that year, and I’m always writing up new projects (my Notes app carries a mighty load).

So what to do with it? Post it? Promote it? What does that even mean? Promote what? I’m not selling anything (maybe that’s the problem?). Is it only valuable if it can be bought and sold? Is it OnlyFans? I don’t really think that is the right context. The intention of my work isn’t merely to consume. But who knows...

Oh no. My silly little hobbies are now giving me anxiety and causing me to spiral.
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So for now, my work is mostly here, some TikTok, some YouTube, mostly not Instagram. Dreaming for that underground art scene though.  
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