Can I Put This Here?

A while ago, I wrote about how context can make or break the audience’s perception of a work of art. Today, I’d like to continue down that route but anchor it with my own personal work, and dealing with something that I know I’m not the only person struggling with: where the heck do I put my work as someone that makes art not so easily defined?

I tend to aggressively downplay my own work, and minimize it to a mere silly hobby. After all, my “day” job is pretty all consuming: I homeschool my high needs kid, which involves tons of planning, curriculum writing, OT, hands on activities, extracurriculars, etc on top of just regular mom stuff. Do not read what I’m not saying though: I love what I do. I find it very enriching, difficult, and fulfilling.

That being said, I’m not me when I’m not working on some sort of creative project. I may not be able to do anything full time now, but one day I could, so I might as well continue to build skills. For years I would just create things and sit on them. I would even just completely gaslight myself into thinking I should have more "acceptable" projects - like home improvement, domestic shit, etc. But lately, I’ve given myself permission to dream of a day where I can go back into academia; to get my Master’s degree.

So, I created this website. However, I’m no web designer, so it falls short for my standards (that I’ve made up in my head). Sometimes, I post things on Instagram. But even during the best of times, my work did not reach the right audiences. It still doesn’t. It mostly reaches my family and friends (Instagram used to be a SOCIAL network, after all!) and they are not the target audience for boudoir shoots, horror or experimental films, or even for musings about art. My resistance to turning myself into a brand for consumption means I don’t play nicely with the algorithm gods. I don’t have the time, mental bandwidth, skills, knowledge, or money to outsource cracking the code and getting myself on the map. I want to post content with songs I like, not whatever is trending. Not to mention, I get irritated knowing that in our current time, anything I post is going to make rich people richer, and teach AI how to make slightly better looking hands or something. Some may not care that companies are mining their data, but I do! 

Before I continue, I want to address the elephant in the room: yes, I am an old ass millennial. I know that that actually dictates my response towards the grander parts of life. I know that my take on social media is colored through my aging self. I know. I know I know I know. It doesn’t help that on top of all that I have a personality completely adverse to being told what to do. Just because everyone else is doing it, makes me actually a lot less likely I’ll do it. All of the artists I “grew up” with found their success off of social media, so they have this very cavalier attitude towards it. Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol said during one of his lives during the pandemic shut down that “he just couldn’t figure out” all the social media stuff. Same, Gary, same. But they got to this point with different rules. Where's the underground artist group where we gather for non studio screenings?

Most hilariously, my biggest fear is to go viral. I don’t actually crave this massive audience. I have both a desire and fear of being perceived, which I don’t think is something unique to me. I’m not shy I’m just- hey, why is everyone looking at me all at once?!

Last year was one of my hardest years on the books. Despite serious health problems (that I managed to mostly overcome!) I still managed to do a couple creative projects. I shot a short horror film and submitted it to a festival, and shot my first still photography session. Last year is also when I discovered I loved doing portrait style photography. I am still experimenting with how I want to incorporate my own distinct style into it, but I love doing it. I felt like someone gave me a new canvas to paint on. I repeated this experience again with my friend later that year, and I’m always writing up new projects (my Notes app carries a mighty load).

So what to do with it? Post it? Promote it? What does that even mean? Promote what? I’m not selling anything (maybe that’s the problem?). Is it only valuable if it can be bought and sold? Is it OnlyFans? I don’t really think that is the right context. The intention of my work isn’t merely to consume. But who knows...

Oh no. My silly little hobbies are now giving me anxiety and causing me to spiral.
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So for now, my work is mostly here, some TikTok, some YouTube, mostly not Instagram. Dreaming for that underground art scene though.  
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